The beginning only...

Earlier this evening I went to pick up Victoria at 6:30 p.m. from Bryan house like I usually do on Wednesday evening. And he and I exchanged some words. Basically what happened was that I suggested to him that we should compare our income and see where both of us stand for child support. He smirked at me, and said, "I'm not paying you shit because you don't pay for ANYTHING." As he emphasized the word anything, and then I said to him, "Well, why do you feel that way? May I ask what you pay for?" He replied, " Well, I PAID for her daycare, her insurance, and I just PAID the school that she will be attending." with a grimace expression. I am shocked that he stated that he is putting her in school without discussing the terms with me. I replied with shock, “I hope you know that you have to also run this decision by me with approval, and IF I did approve, you need to provide the documentation for the school that she is attending and a copy of the contact list." stating as a matter-of-fact. He then decided to mock my properness with the voice of an upset child trying to upset me, “I will give you the paperwork." Not being surprise with the actions he is presenting as himself but a fool, I stated, "Bryan, I hope you know that what you are doing at the moment is immature and the response you just gave me shows me that you have not yet decided to act like an adult. I also do hope you know, that the way you treat me, Victoria can see and sense it all. Think for a second to yourself and wonder about how Victoria is going to portray this scene in the future. She might not know today, tomorrow, or even next week but one day she is going to see how you treat HER mother. And if, this is a HUGE IF, she finds a man that treats her wrong how would you feel? I bet you anything you won't feel so great. One day she is going to see what kind of person you really are and by that time, let us hope that you have grown into your senses." He laughed at me, as if I was a fool. He said to me, "Before Victoria finds out what kind of person I am, she is going to find out that her mother is a whore." I was disappointed and it took me all I had not to cry. I just smiled at him, "I'm sorry that you feel that way, since you cannot be an adult, I guess I have nothing else to say to you. We will just have to let the judge figure out our problems." with the disappointment paining my heart, that he is childish. He then said, "Let the papers' roll on in." with that smirk he holds on his face, knowing that the words he said to me is stinging my heart. I held my head up high, "I will see you in court Bryan, and it’s a guarantee." As I walk away, he made his last comment, "I will put a bullet through you first, before I let you have Victoria." as I was looking at the gun he carries on the right of his hip in the holster. And I made my last comment, "I'll see you in court." As I walked back to the driver side and buckled myself in, Victoria said goodbye to her father, and I drove away. As the warm tears roll down my cheeks, I try to calm my breathing, my heart is racing, I'm shaking, and I am over-whelmed with disappointment, anger, fear, and confusion. And I tried calling my lawyer but it is after hours. So, left it at that.

The memories of the past came in and over took my body. The way that I had to deal with him. And for the sake of the sky being blue, why hasn't this thirty year old man changed? The nights of threats and fear that I might lose my life. The sadness that will bring to my family and friends. At times I do wonder if I will be one of those I.D. cases on television, being replayed fifteen years from now. I wonder if this a punishment or a test...

Can I control the person? No. Can I change Bryan? No. What do I do? Continue on with my life and try to be the better person. I cannot stoop down to his level. I just leave it behind me and stand tall. I wonder, when will it end? Will I ever find my peace? It’s hard to sit still and watch everything unfold, watching Victoria live her innocent life from afar, and yet not knowing that I am trying to fight my life for her. The smiles that I used to carry around have left. Will I ever smile again, a real smile of happiness? Sometimes, I feel lost with myself when I was with that wretched man. And everyday, I have to face myself in the mirror and realize what is yet to come. Everyday, I have to be one step ahead; I cannot fall behind and get tired. Once I decide to put my guard down, there will be an attack. As I sit here and look over Victoria peaceful sleeping face, I wonder how I am so blessed to have a living child that I have carried for nine months and ten days. Being able to call her mine might sound selfish but I hope one day that she can see everything clearly. I want her to live her innocent life with no regrets or worries. It was another day on the battlefield, and now it is coming to an end for the night. Let us get some rest for a stronger fight tomorrow. Good night.

LOVE.PEACE.HAPPINESS is what I will find (: