Earlier
this evening I went to pick up Victoria at 6:30 p.m. from Bryan house like I
usually do on Wednesday evening. And he and I exchanged some words. Basically
what happened was that I suggested to him that we should compare our income and
see where both of us stand for child support. He smirked at me, and said,
"I'm not paying you shit because you don't pay for ANYTHING." As he
emphasized the word anything, and then I said to him, "Well, why do you
feel that way? May I ask what you pay for?" He replied, " Well, I
PAID for her daycare, her insurance, and I just PAID the school that she will
be attending." with a grimace expression. I am shocked that he stated that
he is putting her in school without discussing the terms with me. I replied
with shock, “I hope you know that you have to also run this decision by me with
approval, and IF I did approve, you need to provide the documentation for the
school that she is attending and a copy of the contact list." stating as a
matter-of-fact. He then decided to mock my properness with the voice of an
upset child trying to upset me, “I will give you the paperwork." Not being
surprise with the actions he is presenting as himself but a fool, I stated,
"Bryan, I hope you know that what you are doing at the moment is immature
and the response you just gave me shows me that you have not yet decided to act
like an adult. I also do hope you know, that the way you treat me, Victoria can
see and sense it all. Think for a second to yourself and wonder about how
Victoria is going to portray this scene in the future. She might not know
today, tomorrow, or even next week but one day she is going to see how you
treat HER mother. And if, this is a HUGE IF, she finds a man that treats her
wrong how would you feel? I bet you anything you won't feel so great. One day
she is going to see what kind of person you really are and by that time, let us
hope that you have grown into your senses." He laughed at me, as if I was
a fool. He said to me, "Before Victoria finds out what kind of person I
am, she is going to find out that her mother is a whore." I was
disappointed and it took me all I had not to cry. I just smiled at him,
"I'm sorry that you feel that way, since you cannot be an adult, I guess I
have nothing else to say to you. We will just have to let the judge figure out
our problems." with the disappointment paining my heart, that he is
childish. He then said, "Let the papers' roll on in." with that smirk
he holds on his face, knowing that the words he said to me is stinging my
heart. I held my head up high, "I will see you in court Bryan, and it’s a
guarantee." As I walk away, he made his last comment, "I will put a
bullet through you first, before I let you have Victoria." as I was
looking at the gun he carries on the right of his hip in the holster. And I
made my last comment, "I'll see you in court." As I walked back to
the driver side and buckled myself in, Victoria said goodbye to her father, and
I drove away. As the warm tears roll down my cheeks, I try to calm my breathing,
my heart is racing, I'm shaking, and I am over-whelmed with disappointment,
anger, fear, and confusion. And I tried calling my lawyer but it is after
hours. So, left it at that.
The memories of the past came in and over took my body. The way that I had to deal with him. And for the sake of the sky being blue, why hasn't this thirty year old man changed? The nights of threats and fear that I might lose my life. The sadness that will bring to my family and friends. At times I do wonder if I will be one of those I.D. cases on television, being replayed fifteen years from now. I wonder if this a punishment or a test...
Can
I control the person? No. Can I change Bryan? No. What do I do? Continue on
with my life and try to be the better person. I cannot stoop down to his level.
I just leave it behind me and stand tall. I wonder, when will it end? Will I
ever find my peace? It’s hard to sit still and watch everything unfold,
watching Victoria live her innocent life from afar, and yet not knowing that I
am trying to fight my life for her. The smiles that I used to carry around have
left. Will I ever smile again, a real smile of happiness? Sometimes, I feel
lost with myself when I was with that wretched man. And everyday, I have to
face myself in the mirror and realize what is yet to come. Everyday, I have to
be one step ahead; I cannot fall behind and get tired. Once I decide to put my
guard down, there will be an attack. As I sit here and look over Victoria peaceful
sleeping face, I wonder how I am so blessed to have a living child that I have
carried for nine months and ten days. Being able to call her mine might sound
selfish but I hope one day that she can see everything clearly. I want her to
live her innocent life with no regrets or worries. It was another day on the
battlefield, and now it is coming to an end for the night. Let us get some rest
for a stronger fight tomorrow. Good night.
LOVE.PEACE.HAPPINESS
is what I will find (:
