The beginning only...

Earlier this evening I went to pick up Victoria at 6:30 p.m. from Bryan house like I usually do on Wednesday evening. And he and I exchanged some words. Basically what happened was that I suggested to him that we should compare our income and see where both of us stand for child support. He smirked at me, and said, "I'm not paying you shit because you don't pay for ANYTHING." As he emphasized the word anything, and then I said to him, "Well, why do you feel that way? May I ask what you pay for?" He replied, " Well, I PAID for her daycare, her insurance, and I just PAID the school that she will be attending." with a grimace expression. I am shocked that he stated that he is putting her in school without discussing the terms with me. I replied with shock, “I hope you know that you have to also run this decision by me with approval, and IF I did approve, you need to provide the documentation for the school that she is attending and a copy of the contact list." stating as a matter-of-fact. He then decided to mock my properness with the voice of an upset child trying to upset me, “I will give you the paperwork." Not being surprise with the actions he is presenting as himself but a fool, I stated, "Bryan, I hope you know that what you are doing at the moment is immature and the response you just gave me shows me that you have not yet decided to act like an adult. I also do hope you know, that the way you treat me, Victoria can see and sense it all. Think for a second to yourself and wonder about how Victoria is going to portray this scene in the future. She might not know today, tomorrow, or even next week but one day she is going to see how you treat HER mother. And if, this is a HUGE IF, she finds a man that treats her wrong how would you feel? I bet you anything you won't feel so great. One day she is going to see what kind of person you really are and by that time, let us hope that you have grown into your senses." He laughed at me, as if I was a fool. He said to me, "Before Victoria finds out what kind of person I am, she is going to find out that her mother is a whore." I was disappointed and it took me all I had not to cry. I just smiled at him, "I'm sorry that you feel that way, since you cannot be an adult, I guess I have nothing else to say to you. We will just have to let the judge figure out our problems." with the disappointment paining my heart, that he is childish. He then said, "Let the papers' roll on in." with that smirk he holds on his face, knowing that the words he said to me is stinging my heart. I held my head up high, "I will see you in court Bryan, and it’s a guarantee." As I walk away, he made his last comment, "I will put a bullet through you first, before I let you have Victoria." as I was looking at the gun he carries on the right of his hip in the holster. And I made my last comment, "I'll see you in court." As I walked back to the driver side and buckled myself in, Victoria said goodbye to her father, and I drove away. As the warm tears roll down my cheeks, I try to calm my breathing, my heart is racing, I'm shaking, and I am over-whelmed with disappointment, anger, fear, and confusion. And I tried calling my lawyer but it is after hours. So, left it at that.

The memories of the past came in and over took my body. The way that I had to deal with him. And for the sake of the sky being blue, why hasn't this thirty year old man changed? The nights of threats and fear that I might lose my life. The sadness that will bring to my family and friends. At times I do wonder if I will be one of those I.D. cases on television, being replayed fifteen years from now. I wonder if this a punishment or a test...

Can I control the person? No. Can I change Bryan? No. What do I do? Continue on with my life and try to be the better person. I cannot stoop down to his level. I just leave it behind me and stand tall. I wonder, when will it end? Will I ever find my peace? It’s hard to sit still and watch everything unfold, watching Victoria live her innocent life from afar, and yet not knowing that I am trying to fight my life for her. The smiles that I used to carry around have left. Will I ever smile again, a real smile of happiness? Sometimes, I feel lost with myself when I was with that wretched man. And everyday, I have to face myself in the mirror and realize what is yet to come. Everyday, I have to be one step ahead; I cannot fall behind and get tired. Once I decide to put my guard down, there will be an attack. As I sit here and look over Victoria peaceful sleeping face, I wonder how I am so blessed to have a living child that I have carried for nine months and ten days. Being able to call her mine might sound selfish but I hope one day that she can see everything clearly. I want her to live her innocent life with no regrets or worries. It was another day on the battlefield, and now it is coming to an end for the night. Let us get some rest for a stronger fight tomorrow. Good night.

LOVE.PEACE.HAPPINESS is what I will find (:

What to do?

When you get a chance to sit down and close your eyes for a minute, do you ever wonder how you got to this point in your life? How everything either came into place or is it out of place? I know I do, I am in a moment of my life, where the truth is something I want to hide from. Do I like where I am standing? Am I just going to cruise down the road I am on, or am I going to take control of the wheel? Ugh, this is a very difficult part in life.

I am finally 23 and for the last five to seven years I have wondered to myself, what have I been doing? I've been slacking, in denial, fear, and procrastination. Two and a half years ago I was pregnant with my daughter and I was working a dead end job with no college degree. Five months after I gave birth to my daughter, I decided to attend hair school because it was quick and my mom talked me into the business. Soon to be a year, I was hired into a salon and I haven't really build a clientele, the company always talk about, "If you're a great stylist, you should have a full book of clients within five years..."etc. It's almost a year and I do have some people that I do see quite often, which I am happy about but at times I don't feel happy enough to do what I am doing. I keep wondering what it is that gets to me about my profession. I love coloring people hair, cutting... no so much. I don't mind the blowdrying or the flat ironing, up-dos are not my strongest suite but I am willing to do them.

Why am I unhappy? Is it because of the people I work with? No... Granted that some of them are a bit annoying but who doesn't have annoying employees. Maybe it is the people that comes through the door and are crazy enough to want something that they cannot have in a million years. Can't be, those people are who makes my days and makes me smile. Deep down they give me a great chuckle. I think it's because the fact we have one of the worst insurance provided for us, it's a reimbursement plan but the problem is that it only helps pay $60 of your bill. Or because EVERYONE has to MAKE their RETAIL GOALS or you will just be shunned onto a list of NO WALK-INS because you don't want your clients to spend money on products that they can live without. Trying to play a part as a sales person is difficult, yes I do get a small commission paycheck IF I go over my retail goal. To be honest, I am a bit of a frugal person. Or maybe because my boss is a mean butt-head and he has a bi-polar attitude. He is a huge hypocrite, when someone does something not to his liking he becomes power hungry but he can do the same, due to the fact that he is a manager. He's just a manager not a leader. As I am venting out my frustration, I am no longer frustrated. One thing I know for sure, I don't want to be a hairstylist for long.

Now, it leads to this question, what am I going to do with my life?

Friendship

My best friend from high school came back from college for the winter break. The friendship that we have is forever lasting. I haven't talked to him in over a year. We are still the best of friends. It's great knowing that at least you have that one friend that will be there with you forever until the end. Shouldn't everyone have one?

Moving on...

"In this life, we must do the things that make us happy but also learn not to become attached to those things so we can see when they no longer serve our best intentions, and be able to let go and move on with ease, comfort, and confidence."

This saying is harder to do. At the moment I am going through a custody fight with my daughter father and he is making my life a living hell at the moment. Sometimes I wonder why he still the way that he is... Is he mad because I finally had the guts to leave him? Or is he mad because I am not the submissive person that he met five years ago? Or does he regret the way that he treated me was like shit and it pushed me away? At times I wonder is he still holding on? And if so why? I tried so hard making it work for five years but when I finally throw in the towel... HE finally wants to make things work and by that time my heart has changed.... Smh. Life. No one wrote a book of guidelines? LOL...

the end of the night.

Today, was a bit difficult because we recently stopped allowing people to tip on their credit cards and may I just say that some people have the hardest time understanding why OUR company did so. I can understand that is was just easier so people don't have to carry around cash in their pockets but I wonder... didn't we carry cash for the longest? What has happened to our society? Every one depends on a plastic card and don't get me wrong I am also that person but of course making tip money, I have been carrying both cash and card. Today I had clients that didn't tip me because they didn't have cash. I left today and was a bit bummed that I didn't get my tips. People said they love their haircuts but did they really? At the end of the night when the day was long this is how you know you lived through another day without troubles. 

I can say that I have accomplished another day. And the night is quiet. Quiet enough for me to rest my head on my pillow and sleep. ((:

Fortune cookie

Sometimes I wonder if the fortune from the cookie is mocking me or not... ):

At work

So... I'm here at work and right when I walked it my one o'clock cancelled. The partial highlight that I was prepping myself for did not show. It's been slow lately at the salon. At least for me it has... I'm only six months in this job and I think it's alright. Of course this isn't my dream job that is for sure. I wonder what happened from the time that I have graduated from cosmetology school and working in the salon. Somewhere in mix of it, I'm not liking hair anymore. I was told once that, "The first salon better be the right choice because it's either going to make you or break you." And in all honesty, this is slowing breaking me. I should be on the floor doing hair but I'm in the back blogging and trying to figure out where to start because I want to go back to school and get a degree in IT. I'm starting backwards that is for sure. Hopefully I will get it straight somehow. Some where in my mix I forgot that I actually like to do hair...sometimes.